It’s been a while since I found myself here. Too long, actually. I’m in a transition phase and struggling to find meaningful words. I have written numerous posts over the last couple of months only to scrap them, and none of them feel quite right. But I know I must get back on my figurative writing horse, even if it’s a short ride. I feel the need to set down a big rock and make room for precious stones.
The unexpected thing I’m discovering about writing my stories is that I must become an outside observer of my journey to do so. I must step out of my whirlwind, observe what is happening, and describe it. I’m starting to notice the more significant the rock I’m dealing with, the harder it is to put into words the magnitude of feelings and discovery that go with it.
In the pursuit of knowledge
I have recently decided to set down one of my very oldest rocks for a while. I’ve had this rock for at least 25 years now. It started relatively small and has grown significantly heavier over the years. I picked it up from my deep desire for knowledge and have truly loved it. I’ve pulled it out of the bag periodically through the years and spent some time with it. Learned and grew with it. But, over time, it has become harder and harder to hold each time I take it out. I must force all aspects of my life to work around it each time. Nothing is seamlessly flowing with it anymore. It is literally like a dam in the river.
Precious, Fleeting Time
Hitting me the hardest this time is that I don’t have time for anything else important. By the time I finish with it for the day, I’m irritated, frustrated, brain-fried, and short-fused. My family feels it, and there is a lot of tension. I must work especially hard to be with the rock and pull myself out of this negative state of being after. I’m tired and not thriving. My life water feels stagnant, blocked, and backed up. Quite frankly, wellness seems to be a hell of a sacrifice to make for it.
Additionally, the last time I wrote here was in October. My beautiful momentum has slowed, and my inspiration has fizzled a little. This bothers me because I have finally found something that feels like a perfect fit for me. Luckily, this time, I see it. I have always struggled to make this rock a part of my life.
Attachment Is Powerful.
I’m reminded of the creature Gollum in The Lord of the Rings. I have never been able to set this rock down despite slowly becoming sick over time with it. I have been trying hard over the years to accomplish this thing, but every time the rock comes back out, life has plans that either throw all kinds of wrenches in the works and make me feel like I’m hitting my head repeatedly on a brick wall, climbing up a cliff face, or barely treading water. But I’m attached to this expectation. I’m even afraid to label it here. This makes me realize how much power this thing has over me.
I’m scared to let others see that I don’t want it anymore
My constructs around my rock are not just my expectations. A twin rock is in my bag: society’s expectations.
If I don’t accomplish this, I’m not part of the club of great minds or strong women who beat the odds in a world where our ladder is narrower and higher to climb. If I don’t do a, b, and c, I’m just not cut from the same cloth as the winners, the driven, the brightest.
Let me tell you, this doesn’t feel good. I know I am astute, resourceful, and full of fire like my mothers before me who didn’t get badges or papers proving their intelligence, drive, and contributive worth in the world. But I want to be on the list of women breaking cycles. All my sisters have done it, and I’ve always been amongst the most relentless.
The signs are flashing and neon in front of me, yet it is still challenging to set it down. When I think of what I want, my goals, and what lights me up, I don’t see this as part of it in the same way.
Permission To Lighten the Load
This post is like my permission slip. As if I need to get it out, say it out loud, and ceremoniously set down this rock. I need a reason. So, I’m just telling myself I have one. But, even as I write this, I’m laughing to myself. Why on earth do I need permission to create my life the way I think makes the most sense for me and my family? It sounds ridiculous and obvious, but it is still hard to let it go; it is deeply rooted in me. The bottom line is I no longer want to give this specific rock my precious time.
How Do We Know When It Is Time To Set It Down?
Isn’t this the million-dollar question?
I was talking about this with my mother. We were trying to find the words to answer something we ironically seem to know in our hearts. The question was easy. How do we know when we should power through or let it go, the difficulty indicating something is not working? We all know the saying, “Anything worth having is difficult to achieve.” Is this even true? Why is difficulty a requirement? What is our measuring stick for the level of adversity an achievement requires or is worth? If we are honest, we know when we want to let something go, but knowing if we should is the hard part.
I started thinking about the different parts of my life that have been difficult and why I thrived in some and not in others. My insight came when I thought about being an athlete. I spent many years as a gymnast and recently chose to train for my first full marathon. My athletic training has been complex and intense, challenging my mind, body, and spirit connection to extremes.
What comes to mind when I think about very fulfilling times of my life often had some extreme environmental, mental, or physical component: being an athlete, surviving a revolutionary situation in Alaska, growing and delivering a human into the world. The key is that I did not resent those difficulties. Why? Because they were what I wanted to do, and I felt purpose and fulfillment in the challenge.
Does It Nurture the Path to Purpose?
Awe, there it is—purpose, fulfillment. Here is a fair question: Is the rock part of what I see today as my purpose? Does it contribute to my path to thriving? Is it part of my family’s wellness? No, just the opposite. Then, set it down.
Well, that is what I have decided to do. I’m setting it down to make room for my diamonds, Herkimer, and other precious stones that serve my path. Which, as it turns out, are precisely what I have gained.
Do you have something that feels like this? Is there something else that makes more sense to carry? Is the rock purposefully contributing to your life anymore? Do you need to permit yourself to ask these questions? I hope you do. It’s one more heavy rock that significantly lightens the load.
Find out more about my journey on my About Me page.
You can also join me and other brilliant authors on Medium.
