Some days are worse than others.
It might be nice for someone reading this to know that sometimes I feel like I’m really struggling to get out of a dark place emotionally. Perhaps you do, too.
Recently, I had a reminder of old traumas, people, and things that were painful in my past neatly placed in my lap to remember through words delivered unexpectedly. I had to relive and talk about it yet again. The thing about ghosts is that we don’t get to choose when to deal with them. And isn’t it remarkable how the messenger moves on, and we are left feeling like we just added a boulder to the bag of rocks? It’s heavy. And don’t think it didn’t keep coming. Ironically, when you feel you have had enough, there’s more. And why is that? It can feel so out of the blue, feeling all at once like standing in front of an automatic ball thrower. It is one event after another, reminding you over and over, smacking you while you’re already low. Like, how do I turn this off universe?
Everyone has their version of this, and I know people have downright crippling ghosts. So, I won’t begin to say that mine are worse or less than anyone else. But I’m absolutely still working through mine.
Re-living trauma has a way of quickly taking the energy, spark, and color out of us. After the adrenalin subsides, I feel like a bit of life has left me.
She reminds me.
I went out to my garden to take a deep breath. Sometimes, I need to separate myself to re-balance. Sometimes, my garden is simply a distraction while I calm down, and sometimes, I find more than I knew I needed.
I walked around observing the plants coming into autumn. The dead leaves and flowers at first added to my melancholy. But something else happened, too.
The dead leaves were beautiful.
I found myself wanting to photograph everything dead. Why hadn’t I noticed before? I get so busy in my life just cutting off the dead flowers and dead leaves through the summer. Watching how the plants thrive the more I prune and take care to do so.
But not in the Fall. There is no stopping the change. We are powerless to stop the impending dormancy. Although the plant appears to be dead, it most certainly is not. It just needs to go underground while the cold process takes place. And find myself asking,
Why do I need to feel better right now? Why can’t I feel like this dead / not dead dahlia?
-Me
I tell my kids pain is ok. Do I believe it?
I try to teach my kids that a bit of pain and sadness are okay. We don’t have to run from discomfort immediately. We try to exercise the process of getting through it, letting it pass. Days like these are tough to pull out of, though, I know. It is hard to remember that, like Fall, my sadness is just a season, a transition. And the more I see that, the less often I need to be afflicted for very long.
I can take the steps I have learned for coping, continue seeking wisdom and tools, stick to my daily routines, and keep pushing forward.
We are made of the same things as nature.
Remembering we are mammals on this planet brings an opportunity for reflection. I know I’m not separate from nature. I am nature. At 43, I can observe I have cycles too. We all have cycles. So why wouldn’t we feel like dead flowers, too?
I feel something every Fall. As the rains start in the Pacific Northwest, the days get darker; the plants are losing their flowers, leaves, and vibrancy. I want to eat all the comfort food. I need to bake bread, make soups, eat chocolate, make giant meals, and sit around the table laughing with family and friends. Aside from laughing with family, this is very different from how summer makes me feel.
Rhythm is ok. Cycles are ok. Don’t be afraid to feel like a dead dahlia. You’re not dead. You’re reading this. Maybe your life force is just quiet deep inside, waiting for the light to change again, for the cycle to return to Spring. It will; it always does. Embrace your winter, and hold fast to that inner light that is never put out, just dormant. Eat some soup. Make some cookies. Walk in the rain, and by all means, listen to an audiobook while you do. You are not alone in your winter.
** Do not be mistaken. I know prolonged pain, depression, anxiety, and other afflictions can be very serious and potentially life-threatening. If you are experiencing prolonged and debilitating feelings, please get help. There is no shame in needing people and medicine to help heal wounds. If you’re unsure if you need help, you probably do. Go in light and get help. I’ll attach some resources. **
** I think this is a good site with a collection of numbers. I have posted below directly from the site. Please visit the site for a wealth of information about each number. https://psychcentral.com/depression/depression-hotline-numbers#hotline-numbers
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255 (TALK)
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration SAMHSA: 800-662-4357 (HELP)
Samaritans: 877-870-4673 (HOPE) (call or text)
Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741
Friendship Line: 800-971-0016
Veterans Crisis Line: 800-273-8255 (press 1) or Text 838255
*** You’re welcome to let me know if there are other resources, or if I should amend any. Please feel free to comment below.
