All I need is this one thing. I think.

Have you ever finally figured out what will make everything better? The thing you knew would make you happy or fill the giant hole in your life? Had you been fixating on it as if it would save your life? Maybe it would. Potentially, it would fix your hamster-wheel job, your financial situation, or maybe just your old, worn-out wardrobe.

You talked about it to everyone who would listen, and probably to everyone who didn’t want to listen. Did you have dreams about it, manifesting hard for it until the time came? And, wow, doesn’t it feel good once it comes? We put on our best boots, gear up, and either start the long-awaited ascent toward success or wallow in the pleasure of the novelty and newness. As the expression goes…happier than a pig in poo.

But maybe it starts to feel…different than expected. The ascent starts to change. Suddenly, you find yourself swimming upstream again without relief, hitting brick walls. Still, we persevere because we believe in it. We read stories about how nothing comes easy, and about people who find wealth and success, talking about the sacrifice and diligence it takes to reach the top of your mountain.

Inside, though, it feels like any second you may crash and burn, or perhaps life is on the brink of becoming that dumpster fire we love to cry and laugh about in memes. Because, despite our very best boots and extraordinary efforts, sometimes our dreams become exactly that: a dumpster fire fueled by anxiety and stress.

I have no problem climbing any mountain. Ok, maybe not this ‘any mountain.’

For quite a few years, since leaving behind my show up, clock in, do the things, clock out job as a letter carrier, I did a bit of tortured wandering through the valleys…figuratively. However, it wasn’t for lack of effort to find a clear path that I wandered.

I knew I wanted to climb an epic mountain (also figuratively); I had been waiting to climb my whole life. As the stars aligned, I got my chance. I started to climb that mountain I had had my sights on for a long time…

Now, for anyone out there who climbed their mountain and never looked back, you’re amazing. My niece, for example, knew from a young age what she wanted to do. She decided and has been working toward it, and has recently graduated with a Master’s degree in her discipline. She did the hard things and loves what she is doing. It’s beautiful to see.

I climbed that mountain hard, to the point where I was dragging a broken spirit behind me like a heavy, wet, rain-soaked blanket. My sheer will refused to give up, pushing one foot in front of the other because that’s what I was supposed to do. Never give up. After waiting so long for the chance, I was committed to the goal.

My life was becoming a blank white page.

Recently, I ran across this excerpt from a post I tried to write while on that mountain, but couldn’t find the post button inside me. I think it says a lot…

I did, in fact, finish that climb, too near the finish line to set down the rock. But not without some serious bruises. There’s a good chance I would have beaten myself up about it forever if I hadn’t. It wasn’t for nothing, though; I probably wouldn’t have been able to develop Onward Sister, or even this website, without the valuable skills I earned from a web programming degree. I actually use my web programming skills and the math from childhood I thought I’d never use every day to develop my blogs.

I’ll rise like a boss lady. If only I could figure out how.

The thing was, though, I still felt like I was looking for ‘my mountain.’ This time, I didn’t think I would be considered a real writer without a writing degree.

So, I roped up and climbed like hell up another rock face toward my writing degree.

Sometimes those switchbacks climbing the life mountains feel like they will never end. By the time I was dragging my weighted blanket of a spirit, in addition to my bag of life rocks, I was still so far away from my goal that I couldn’t even see the top through the dark storm clouds hovering, waiting for me. Who knew how thick they were, or whether they might let up at some point. There was no question, though; it was about to get a lot rougher.

The kids didn’t see me much, and when they did, I was a ball of anxiety. I didn’t want to do the things I love, or have people to talk to me. Luckily, at this stage of life, I’m in a place to actually ask myself some questions I was unable to ask before.

What is the cost versus benefit of continuing this climb? What will it cost me inside? How much will it affect my family if I finish the climb? Will it cost them their quality of life, or improve it if I don’t?

There is always a cost. What are we willing to pay emotionally, monetarily, or even physically to climb the mountain?

I cannot see through this high mountain mist.

As many of us know, decisions without a clear vision of the outcome feel nearly impossible to make. Especially when they involve something we have believed in or worked hard for for so long. That said, some people don’t struggle with this.

I love my sister’s gumption when it comes to decision-making. She looks at the information she has, decides what she is going to do, and goes balls to the wall to make it happen. Does it always work out? No. But she doesn’t suffer over whether she is choosing correctly or not.

Now, for me, there are likely several reasons for my indecision, overcommitment when I should have bailed long ago, and my hyperanalysis of everything. Some words come to mind: Virgo, analytical, loyal, determined, calculated…codependent. Is it a weakness or a superpower? Well…both.

Any wide arc that makes us strong can swing to become our greatest weakness. My calculated decision-making made me excellent in veterinary medicine, but it cripples me when I need to take risks. So, how am I supposed to know when I should go back down the mountain and look for another?

Finding my dharma.

I wrote a note and stuck it on my fridge a few years ago when I started Dropping Rocks and was inspired by Jay Shetty’s book Think Like a Monk. It says, “Just be yourself. Do your own Dharma perfectly.” I don’t think anyone needs to adopt any religious philosophy to grab hold of these principals. My interpretation of Jay’s good formula is this:

Easy right? The idea of that was not difficult for me to embrace at all; hence the note on my fridge. Finding what each of those elements is and how they fit together was the mountain I needed to find. The self-discovery I was seeking.

And here is where dropping life rocks came in for me. I was going up and down these mountains feeling lost, with a broken compass. Nothing seemed to fit. It wasn’t until I dropped a rock I thought was a precious gemstone that my bag had room for new ideas. I wrote about this recently in “Removing a Giant Rock: Mindfulness & Gemstones.”

Onward Sister was born from my love of writing and telling personal stories, my programming and writing skills, and my desire to help women find their value. I deeply appreciate everyone who has followed me on this journey with Dropping Rocks. While I’m just getting started on a new climb, for the first time ever, it feels more in line with my true North than ever before. Onward!

---

Find out more about my journey on my About Me page.

You can also join me and other brilliant authors on Medium.